Ryan Family

Right where I am - 3 years Happy Birthday Dresden

2011-09-09T21:25:00.002-04:00

I started writing this (actually wrote it out in PEN! over a week or so in the book I keep of kiddo memories!) at the end of August..

A fellow babyloss momma Angie @still life with circles started a project called "right where I am" to show others the scope of grief at various stages of loss. I've been wanting to write for a while now, but writing doesn't come as easy as it once did. With Dresden's 3rd birthday coming up, I wanted to do this for him - mostly because in the early months my biggest desire was to help others going through the same unimaginable loss, and I still want to, but reaching out seems more difficult for me at times. In those early months I would search the internet - message boards, blogs, books, anything I could find that would help me feel not so alone... the one thing I needed most was to know that someday I would feel good again. I read in one of many books that some people take 7 years to feel normal and as happy as they were again. 7 YEARS! I thought that was a horrible timeline to look forward to and I knew that it wasn't what I wanted for myself or my family. As I read through countless blogs and posts of other women walking this path, it gave me so much hope.. that one day, I would be there too. In a place not quite so raw, in a place where there were more smiles than tears and in a place where my heart didn't feel like a billion broken pieces. I have never been so grateful for the internet, I don't know how I would have gotten through without the love and support from my fellow baby loss momma's. <3 These are the only people that I've never actually met, but still consider FRIENDS and I'm so glad and sad to have them in my life. With September rolling in I find myself a little more open to tears, and when I feel those first autumn breezes it takes me back to that time so much easier than any other time of year. You may think that I dread September (and maybe now I should.. since on September 1st of this year, my brother in law unexpectedly passed away - and I kind of felt like Fu#K September strikes again! :( another devastating blow to our family, a life taken too soon ) and part of me maybes does.. a very small part. Being 3 years out means that my pain isn't on the surface anymore, and what I love about this time of year is that it brings Dresden out a little more. A couple weeks ago, I could smell him.. don't even try to ask what my boy smells like, I'd never be able to explain it, but it's him. right after that "it's a small world" started playing from one of the books in the bedroom! Makes my heart so happy! <3 NO matter how much times passes, Dresden is never far from my mind. I think of him every single day.. sometimes I wonder if it will always be that way, or if 10-15 years from now I'll still remember his smell, or the weight of him in my arms, his cute button nose and the way I felt like I would just die right along with him, the pain was so intense. What I am now though is mostly at peace, I can think of my baby with a smile on my face and love in my heart and it's not all tears and pain. :) (of course, sometimes when I'm alone in my car, I jam my sappy music mix and sob... just not every day like I used to!) I feel happy that I had a beautiful soul touch my life, even for a short time, grateful that I've had such strong support of family and friends, and delighted that I have Gwen and our little rainbow girl Delaney constantly making me laugh- even on the hard days (like today, his birthday)
So, today for my baby boys 3rd birthday, I made his apple birthday cake with my two "helpers" - I wonder if tasters would be a better name! I looked at his pictures, and items we brought home from the hospital, and we sang happy birthday with tears in our eyes ... and then laughed because the girls had to blow out the candles 5 times! Happy Birthday Dresden.. your momma loves you the whole wide world!! (and more!)

A very interesting photograph..

2010-10-25T01:38:00.000-04:00

My good friend Angela captured the following photo at Delaney's first birthday party. It is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. I would never even begin to be able to explain it, and I think you'll find it quite amazing as well. If you look at my shirt, the bottom left part of the picture, you can see a swirl of colors - within this swirl, toward the bottom there is a very clear image of an infants face. It looks like Dresden, and what's even cooler from my standpoint, is that when she sent the picture to me, the first thing I noticed was a footprint - the face would be located in the heel of the foot.. this is meaningful to me of course, because my Dresden symbol has always been his footprint. Shaun even put this image on top of Dresden's actual picture and the nose and mouth match up perfectly. I just had to share this, it really made my night and makes me feel like my baby boy is still with me.

Oh my!

2010-09-09T11:30:00.000-04:00

My lovely friend Camilla just sent us flowers for Dresden's birthday. They are gorgeous, so I wanted to share. Thank you SOOOOO much Camilla, Ross, Oliver (and Amalia, too!) They brought tears to my eyes and a smile to my face, Love to you all!

Happy 2nd Birthday Dresden!

2010-09-09T00:00:00.032-04:00

Time... again, it's so strange because I feel like how could it already be two years, but at the same time I feel like how is it NOT ten years? I still think that our minds have a way of protecting us from grief and time is a way to ease the pain? It still hurts, I know that it will always hurt. As soon as the first autumn breeze came through my windows, I felt Dresden. It's his time, I can sense him more, even smell him and to me there is nothing more beautiful than that. Today, we will pick the apples from Dresden's tree and then Gwen, Delaney and I will make Dresden's special apple birthday cake and talk about him, sings songs to him (Gwen made a song for her brother a while ago.. she likes to sing it to Delaney.. "the heart of looove, go to sleep go to sleep, the heart of looove") Shaun will come home early, and we will sing to our baby and eat his cake.. it won't be all fun and laugher like it should, but it is his day, and we will celebrate his life, however short it was. Yesterday my nephew said that he wished Dresden was still here, I told him that I did too.. and then he said I wish Dresden AND Delaney were both here together! He's only 7 years old, and already so intuitive.. I think kids know so much more about life and death than we do as adults, I feel so blessed to have family and friends who aren't afraid to mention Dredsen's name, and I know they will never forget. Happy Birthday to my sweet boy, I love you and miss you all the time.

It's that time of year again..

2010-09-07T21:59:00.000-04:00

The time that gets me all weepy, and sick to my stomach, and just plain sad. This day 2 years ago marks the end of one of the best weekends ever! We really lived it up, knowing the our family would be expanding soon and that it wouldn't be long before Gwen wasn't our only baby anymore. We had such a beautiful time at the apple orchard and the build a bear shop, where Gwen made her special Tiggy Witch... we were supposed to be there making baby brother a stuffed bear, a gift from his big sis - we never made that bear, because nothing felt right. I wonder now, if nothing felt right because deep down I knew that there wouldn't be a baby brother to enjoy a stuffed toy.. maybe Gwen knew too.. The 8th is the day that our world turned upside down and life would never be the same, things would never go back to just plain happy. How could they? You go to the hospital, and see no life in your womb, no swooshing heartbeat - why couldn't that ultrasound machine just be broken, unplugged?! my womb was supposed to be a safe, and happy place for my perfect beautiful little boy and then bam! Out of nowhere, he's just dead? It still doesn't make sense to me, it never will. There is a hole in my heart that won't fill up- EVER.. no matter how much joy comes after 9/9/08, there will always be a part of me that died with my son, a part that will never return. I'm okay with that now, it's the only way I can stay connected to him, and if I know one thing, it's that I always want Dresden to be part of my life and I'm so happy that he was here, even if just for a moment in time. I love you sweet little guy.. you'll always be my baby and you will always have a part of my heart. Shaun and I have talked about how grateful we were that we found out Dresden's fate on 9/8/08, but he was born after 1am on the 9th.. his birth may not have been a happy time for us, but at least it wasn't the absolute WORST day or our lives..
This song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jTpHAbuEQac makes me sappy and I almost hate admitting that it's made me cry, it's a happy kid song! But for me, it's just a cruel reminder that my girls' brother doesn't love trucks.. or anything, he was robbed of a beautiful life full of wonder and we were robbed of knowing him.

Happy 1st Birthday Delaney!!

2010-09-03T23:40:00.000-04:00

So, I'm a few days late here, but we've been pretty busy, what can I say? August 31st Delaney turned 1 (her birthday party invitation is the picture above)! My little rainbow baby is now a walking, jabbering, adorable, lovable toddler! I can't believe how quickly this year went by, I can so vividly remember last year when she was snug in my womb, just waiting so anxiously for her SAFE arrival.. and here we are. It seems impossible. I thank my baby girl every day for joining our family, I hope she always realizes how incredibly special she is to all of us. She enjoyed her birthday parties and as you can see, she was not afraid to really get into the cake! :)

Gwen's halloween tutu!

2010-08-27T12:53:00.000-04:00

My friend Melissa made Gwen a halloween tutu and matching bow! You can find these tutu's and more at her Etsy shop. http://www.etsy.com/shop/ChloeBowi

So you think you can dance?

2010-08-01T12:03:00.001-04:00

Hocking Hills

2010-06-22T08:50:00.000-04:00

We went to Hocking Hills this past weekend. Years ago, Shaun's sister told us about it and thought we'd really like it.. we revisited going there again in 2007 - I have a tourist book from then.. and recently saw an ad in a magazine and hung it on my fridge thinking that THIS time we were GOING!! and we did!! I marked the dates on the calendar a few months ago, but didn't book the trip until the morning we were leaving, we stayed at one of the state parks cottages! We had a great time, the natural beauty was amazing! We can not believe it took us so long to go to this special place, that is less than 5 hours away! We will make this a recurring vacation spot for sure! Here are lots of pictures from our trip! Enjoy~~~

Shaun and Delaney morning snuggles!

Gwen looking at the forest from our screened in porch.

Yatta!! (I did it!!)

us at ash cave

Delaney touching the walls

I believe Gwen is driving an airplane! Notice that she still has tennis shoes on.. she can't resist the water!

She ended up asking me if she could go on a bridge.. I said sure! Didn't realize the bridge was IN the water!

Delaney enjoys the sand

Gwen draws pictures in the sand.. one of them is a dancing kitty!

We took the fun way back - this was a stroller friendly trail (there were two) so we left the stoller and went back the ridge way.. it was a loooong way down, so we kept a good handle on the kids. Since we didn't realize we were taking this way back we had to carry Delaney, since we left the carrier in the car. At the end of the trail, a group came behind us and said... it can't be THAT difficult, there's a lady with an infant! HAHA

Gwen spotted this red mushroom with white spots! A magic shroom!!

hiking to old man's cave! Gwen got a fox walking stick, which actually made her want to hike even more!! YES!!

Even Gwen has to duck

Gwen met a friend and once again went in the water (which is against the rules..) how can one resist!?

So much to climb!

A cool stone bridge

This tunnel was completely dark!

We wore her out!

Shaun needed a break! haha Actually I told him to pose...

We had to get back to the state park after old mans cave to do some nature prints! Gwen did hers on a t-shirt!

All the toys she NEEDED for the trip! Her barbies jumped up and down when I said they could come too!

Father's day breakfast in bed!

Gwen coloring her t-shirt

Delaney having a snack before we left the cottage.

We started our hike at Cedar Falls on Sunday morning.. as soon as we got down a bunch of steps, Gwen had to go to the bathroom! So, they took the shortcut!

Delaney loved to touch the trees and leaves!

One of Gwen's crazy poses!

Look at that big guy!!

We made it to Cedar Falls!!

More Nummies!! :)Our last hike was Conkles Hollow.. another stroller friendly path.. the ridge looked really cool here, but also very treacherous.. so we'll save that for another day!

Delaney snacks while watching her big sis climb!!

Gwen wanted to take a pictures, so I crouched down next to Delaney and naturally she pulled my hair!!

What a great trip!! We can't wait to go back!!

Strawberry Picking

2010-06-07T22:33:00.000-04:00

On my birthday we went strawberry picking! We did the same thing last year and really enjoyed it! This time we had some extra family with us.. I guess they weren't sick of us by then! haha Here are some photos...

Delaney loved her first time strawberry piccking.. and she ate plenty of berries!!

Gwen met a few friends, and chatted lots between eating and picking berries.

Gwen feeding Delaney

The next few pictures are funny.. just trying to get a shot with all of us and our berries! :)

Cedar Point!!

2010-06-07T22:04:00.000-04:00

America's ROLLER COAST!! What a day! We took Gwen to Cedar Point for the first time last week. It was amazing! I mean really.. AND I teared up while watching her ride stuff! What a sap!! Grandma and Aunt Dawn joined us to help take care of the kiddos, Brittany and Mike joined us so Shaun wouldn't have to stand in line alone for part of the day (and because they couldn't turn down a fun day at cedar point!! haha) I even got to ride some big kid rides (Sooo glad for short lines!) and after a good 7 years since our last cedar point trip (we used to be season pass holders!) Shaun and I still love a good coaster!! YAAHOO!! Here are some pictures from our day.

We had the girls sleep in their clothes so we'd be ready to roll at 7:30!

Delaney was surprisingly very happy that bright and early! yay!!

We got our tickets!!

Waiting in line for our first ride of the day - the Jr. Gemini! Gwen's favorite!!

WEeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Giving snoopy some love!

The kite eating tree! She was so happy on this one, she kept going on it over and over!

Cute pic of Grandma and Delaney

We finally find a ride that Delaney can go on!

and she loves it! And yes, we're all wearing orange! haha

We love the point!

Gwen LOVEs TO spin!

One of like 3 rides that Dawn went on..

Brittany joins Gwen on the lolli swings

All 3 of us on the pirate ship!! Soooo fun!

Grandma and Gwennie do the ferris wheel.

Aunt Dawn and Gwen

Who doesn't love a splash pad!?

The next morning we went to the beach for a bit.. Delaney loves sand!

Grandma stands guard as Gwen plans a way to bury Delaney!

Gwen's hospital day. April 9, 2010

2010-05-22T14:08:00.000-04:00

Last month Gwen scared the crap out of me. We were sleeping peacefully and all of a sudden, I am woken up by Gwen shaking next to me. I picked her up, and she had a vacant expression, and was just twitching. I called 911, with no idea what was happening. It didn't even really dawn on me that she was having a seizure! I just kept thinking I was losing her, and that I couldn't handle losing another one of my babies! After spending the day in the hospital, running some test, we finally went home. We followed up with a neurologist that two different people recommended and decided to take the 'wait and see' approach that he suggested. So far, Gwen has been completely normal and no other seizures. Sometimes though, when we're sleeping, she twitches and I think OH NO! She't going to have another one! At least if it were to happen again, I probably wouldn't freak out as much, since I'm more aware of what's happening.

So, I wrote this over a week ago, but wanted to add some pics.. and I just now uploaded them, so here you go!

Gwen was so tired the whole day..

So worried about my baby girl! :(

Daddy was sad too!

Gwen getting her EEG done.. while watching TV

She was SOOO hungry and finally got to eat after the EEG was done!

One Year ago..

2010-05-10T00:25:00.001-04:00

We planted Dresden's apple tree, it had been 8 months since his birth, and we wanted to have a living memorial to our sweet baby boy. One year ago.. May 9th.. and guess what?! The tree is still ALIVE! It's beautiful too.. I feel a bit strange to tell you all this, but there were days, that I just wanted to lay down next to this tree, and smell its sweet aroma and just BE with my boy.

This was taken March 9th, Gwen's fish friend died, and she wanted to bury him under Dresden's tree.

April 11th, look at that pretty bud. :)

April 23rd, blossoming

April 30, all 3 of my babes- makes a momma's heart happy!

The blossoms are gone now, and the tree is just green. No more lovely smell every time I walk by.. no more bumble bees and butterflies doing their magic work. Just Dresden's tree, quietly waiting for apple time! Just like I was two years ago.. waiting for apple time, so I could kiss my sweet little boy.

Easter Bunny surprise!

2010-04-07T12:14:00.000-04:00

Gwen got a package from the Easter Bunny on Monday. We found out that the bunny resides in Chicago! Gwen wanted to write a thank you picture to the easter bunny.... :)

and just a few more...

2010-02-28T23:58:00.002-05:00

a few more..

2010-02-28T23:24:00.004-05:00

2010-02-28T21:30:00.001-05:00

Here are a few pics from the photo session with Mirak today! most of these are unedited, but I was excited! ;) Enjoy!!

We even got a cute one of Odin.. too bad Loki wasn't around.. he looks so cool on the white background!!

some pics -January 2010

2010-01-28T12:29:00.008-05:00

Frankenstein cake taste yummy!!!

Gwen draws our family.. "mommy, Delaney (who grew up), Gwennie and Daddy.. all standing in the snow!"

morning snuggles!
smirky!
thoughtful..

HAPPY!! (and freakin CUTE!!)

sledding with daddy!!

shes so big now.. she even carries her sled back up the hill!

Delaney started solids this month... love at first bite!!!

mmmm!! don't worry, she still eats lots of momma milk!! ;)

Gwen showing off her bo*obs!! hahaa

some pics and videos

2010-01-07T20:08:00.003-05:00

I really do want to post more, I just don't get the chance to much right now. I want to post a few videos and pictures of recent events. Hopefully I'll be doing more post in the near future. For the videos, you will want to pause the blog music! :)

I'll post more of Gwen's 4th bday soon too.. here are a couple of her on the big day!

She wanted a frankenstein cake and witch cupcakes! Next year she says, she want's a Christmas birthday!! haha

Delaney's big smileGwen's first gymnastics class - she loved it!
Delaney laughing :) (please ignore the dumb sounds that I'm making! haha)

Gwen the ballerina.. notice how she's doing different moves than everyone else - esp. the butterfly move at the end. HAHA

Delaney rolling from tummy to back! She did this once at 1 month old, but now she means business.. I think this video was her 4th time in a row!! ;)

cool santa!!

2009-12-15T23:46:00.000-05:00

http://portablenorthpole.tv/home/

Dresden

2009-12-15T12:27:00.002-05:00

This is a song that I sung to Dresden early in my pregnancy.. you know, in the first weeks, when there is a chance of miscarriage.. I sang to him today when the song came on the kids playlist..

by :laurie berkner
The great big dog came down the meadow
Wagged his tail and shook the meadow
Go away dog, go away dog
You can’t have my baby
Mama loves you
Papa loves you
Everybody loves baby
Mama loves you
Papa loves you
Everybody loves baby
Everybody loves baby

cool

2009-12-14T16:50:00.001-05:00

you can pick out a thank you card and Xerox will print it and it will be sent to a soldier that is serving in Iraq . You can't pick out who gets it, but it will go to a member of the armed services.
http://www.letssaythanks.com/Home1280.html

share walk newsletter

2009-12-04T07:05:00.000-05:00

http://www.nationalshare.org/Walk_Issue.pdf

fun weekend!

2009-11-30T02:12:00.004-05:00

look closely.. gwen tried to 'steal' a cup from the pizza place! ha

1st game of checkers - lasted a few minutes!

swimming at the hotel
silly

tree hugger!

annual penguin pic.

our tree

no flash

ah, how i love 1 hand typing at 2am! haha why am i up??

bits of November

2009-11-29T19:39:00.003-05:00

Awesome uncle Shaun (aka daddy) helps the kids make a leaf fort in our backyard!

tadaa!
two sleeping girls

studly working men!

lego adventure!

Gwen giving her baby the very best! ;)

Gwen in leaves at the village!

happy baby!

so sweet!

Delaney's first time at the movies! We saw A Christmas Carol.

love!

Gwen helps with bathtime.

look twin grouchy faces!! hehe

Hopefully in the not too distant future, I'll be able to post about our fun time up north and also putting up our christmas tree!!

Delaney's birth announcement

2009-11-08T18:36:00.004-05:00

click to make the announcement bigger :)

family pictures!

2009-11-04T00:38:00.004-05:00

Our friend Mirak did a photo-shoot for us, in our very own living room!! Taking pix w/ kids is hard work.. but after only 242 shots,, we got some goodies!! Gwen wasm't much in the mood for pictures.. so we were lucky! :) and now, i'm off to bed.

My sweet girls!

2009-10-24T11:15:00.007-04:00

A couple pictures from this bad poster... I just don't have time right now - there are so many things and pictures that I want to post about, but seeing as Delaney is in my arms 90% of my day.. and I'm not fond of typing with one hand, this is all I got right now!! So, I AM still here.. sort of! ;) Here are a couple of pictures of Gwen and Delaney.. maybe someday, I'll get to post about the 2 halloween parties we've hosted this month (there are many awesome photo's from those too!!)

Gwen is better at slinging babies than I am!

sisterly love
A happy little pirate!! :)

enjoying some fall weather!

Gwen decided to be a cat wizard for her halloween party (a plain wizard for halloween in the village, and a pirate wizard for the library halloween party - I wonder what she'll be for actual halloween?!)

Remember with us..

2009-10-14T20:40:00.003-04:00

October 15th is pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. Light a candle at 7pm and remember Dresden with us as well as all the other babies who left their families too soon. http://www.october15th.com/
The biggest fear that we have is that people will forget about our baby boy. People will think that as the years go by, we will no longer feel the desperation to hold him that we did in the beginning. Special events like this and the remembrance walk we took part in a couple of weeks ago are times that we can embrace our loss fully and with others who know the pain that we will carry with us for the rest of our lives.

updated walk link..

2009-10-11T18:56:00.001-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dqZZG2LXWNo

The remembrance walk

2009-10-10T11:03:00.002-04:00

I've really been wanting to post about this walk (as well as a billion other things) but time is very limited these days!! Since this photo slide show was posted, I wanted to share it!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZFE0GgGWyRQ
The walk was beautiful!! The people who worked so hard to set it up did such a wonderful job organizing everything!! I felt such love, sorrow and even happiness that day.. it was a very emotional event and there were lots of tears as we remembered so many sweet babies who were taken too soon.
I want to thank the family and friends who joined us that day, it means SO much! We're glad you were all there to support us and remember Dresden. I look forward to doing this again next year.
October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month - with the 15th being the specific day set aside to remember - http://www.october15th.com/

walk to remember

2009-10-02T10:43:00.002-04:00

Our local SHARE group is doing it's first walk in memory of all babies who died too soon. It's 10/4 @noon - heritage park.. if you're local, feel free to join us! You can also donate an get more info through the following link. hope to see you Sunday!!
http://www.metrodetroitsharegroup.com/walk_to_remember.html

Delaney's tricks!

2009-10-01T10:23:00.003-04:00

Sooo.. 4 weeks already!! and i'm typing w/ 1 hand btw... yeterday, Delaney was on her belly, and lifted her head!! i tried to get the camera but it as too late... so last night trying to show Shaun the newest trick.. we had the camera (not the video one tho) she showed daddy the head lift and THEN.. rolled over!!!! HOLY CRAP!! Go Delaney!!! :)
btw- i should add that this is only like the 3rd time she's been put down for tummy time! I guess even babies who are constantly held can do things like this quickly!

more later- when i have 2 hands ;)

AWSOME YUMMY SOAPS!!

2009-09-26T17:52:00.002-04:00

This is our friends new soap shop! I've sampled many of their varieties and they are SCRUMPTIOUS!! Check them out.. CELLAR DOOR SOAP CO there is free shipping through Halloween! :)

some pictures of Delaney..

2009-09-16T21:02:00.002-04:00

Dresden - the worst day and his birthday

2009-09-08T11:53:00.006-04:00

Delaney holding onto Dresden

September 8 - the worst day of our lives. One year has passed.. today is the day we found out our sweet boy was gone. I spent the entire day, trying to get a good movement. I just thought he was slowing down, getting ready for his birth.. sadly that was not the case. After spending the day willing him to move, we went to the hospital.. I wasn't even nervous until we arrived there. I just KNEW he was okay, after all, if your baby dies inside of you, it's something you'd know, right? At the same time, I look back and feel like I already knew he was gone. I just didn't want to find out that it was really true. This week has been difficult for me, retracing the last moments with my boy.. not knowing for certain when the last moments were.. but guessing that he died on the 6th, and was gone for 2 days before we found out. Nothing helps the fact that he's gone, it doesn't matter what day, or time - none of that will bring him back. We miss him all the time though.. all the time.

September 9 - Well, here we are. Dresden's first birthday. Instead of preparing our house for a big ole party, I'm trying to think of a special dessert to make to honor our sweet baby boy. Shaun says it has to be something that we only make for HIS birthday.. i'm thinking something with apples. I really can't believe it's been a year. I miss him so terribly, I wouldn't be able to explain it, if I tried. I have no perfect words for this day.. I still long for you my sweet boy, I always will. Time may make things easier, but there are some things that never heal.. like the hole in my heart that went with you when you left us. I sure wish I was watching you dig into a birthday cake today and not writing this post. Happy first birthday sweet one. Your family loves you and misses you all the time.

Some pictures of our rainbow baby!!

2009-09-02T22:55:00.003-04:00

Delaney is seriously amazing!! Our whole family is just smitten with her.. including big sister Gwen, who tells everyone who comes over all about her little sister Delaney. She also runs into the room if Delaney is crying, usually telling us that she needs nummies! ;) So far, the girl takes after the rest of her family and looves to sleep - and so far, in her first two nights has woken around midnight and fussed until falling back into a full sleep around 3 or 4! Nursing is going well.. my milk is coming in a lot faster this time. I'm recovering nicely from the cesarean... even made some no bake cookies this morning! I needed something with lots of oats, to help boost the milk! MMM! Delaney is snugging up with her daddy right now, which he adores!! We're so happy that she's here, and that we're home!! Thank you everyone for your well wishes and for caring about our family. Here are a few pictures, since people have been asking!! There will be more soon.. for now we relax! :)

Shaun got to cut the cord after her bath (they left it SUPER long!)

We are home!!!!

2009-09-01T16:18:00.002-04:00

Yes you read that right... Shannon and Delaney were released from the hospital today and we are now home. We welcome visitors that wish to see our precious little Delaney :)

Delaney is here!!!!!!!!

2009-08-31T15:22:00.006-04:00

Well I am going to keep this short and sweet. Don't worry there will be a lot more updates once we get home :)

Welcome Delaney Shea Ryan
Born on August 31st, 2009
She weighs 8 lbs 5 ounces
Length ??? Not sure yet since they measure her during the bath and that has not happened yet.

Here are a few picks to enjoy....

Delaney opening her eyes to get her first peak at Daddy

Mommy and Delaney :)

we're hours away!!

2009-08-31T00:09:00.002-04:00

and now we try to sleep..

tomorrow..

2009-08-30T11:12:00.002-04:00

Last night I said something to Shaun about how this will be the last time the 3 of us do this or that.. then I felt wrong for saying it.. I said the same thing so often last year... turned out that we had a whole nother year of the 3 of us doing things. I can't help but have that fear. We're so close now, man, I can almost feel her in my arms! By this time tomorrow, I won't be pregnant anymore! Can I just say how absolutely NUTS it is to know when your baby will be born?? Today will be one of the strangest days of our lives, I'm sure. the waiting... wondering.. will we even sleep tonight? I keep wondering how I'll be able to go to sleep?! Fearing that I go so sleep with a wiggly baby inside and wake up to a dead one- when we're THIS close!? AHH.. I'm sure a lot of you think this is being 'negative' and that we shouldn't feel this way.. but it is hard to assume everything will be perfect, when you know first hand that it might not be. On the other hand, I feel like I KNOW the outcome will be perfect, and tomorrow morning when they pull our 3rd little baby from the hole in my belly that she WILL scream - I just know it!! I can't wait to hear her beautiful voice and see her beautiful eyes, wide open and full of life!
Our intention is that Shaun will send an email out to everyone in my address book tomorrow morning after she's born, sending you to this site.. hopefully we'll have a picture and some basic info by 11 tomorrow!

still hangin'

2009-08-29T15:57:00.001-04:00

The braxton hicks aren't as common as this morning.. so I've been trying to get things done! Still could happen today, but soon we're off to a wedding! :)

well..

2009-08-29T07:58:00.003-04:00

I'm getting quite a few Braxton Hicks this morning.. fairly close together! Nothing painful.. but possibly enough to make a hospital trip at some point today!? EEEK! I better get to cleaning, and putting those frozen raspberries away!! :)

2 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-08-28T23:46:00.002-04:00

Wow, it's amazing that it's so close.. I find myself feeling nauseous, nervous, excited, flat out scared! The range of emotions is crazy! Shaun started his vacation today (Friday) and was able to go to my NST at the docs office. Delaney was not having any real accelerations for the first half hour or so.. then all of a sudden had two nice long ones right in a row! YAY! I have to arrive at the hospital at 7am on Monday... I wonder if we'll be able to sleep at all on Sunday!? AHH! Shaun and I got to have a nice lunch after the appt too. Probably our last 'date' for a while! :) After picking up Gwen from Shaun's folks, we went raspberry picking - in the rain, but it was SO fun!! Then had a great visit with Jason and Jen!!! Now it's nearly midnight, I can just about change the chalkboard door to 2 days! She's really going to make us wait until Monday, isn't she?? hehe Oh well, we've got plenty to occupy us this weekend.

37 weeks - 6 days left (well, now 5!!!!) BPP and nesting!

2009-08-25T23:58:00.003-04:00

By the time I post this we'll be 5 days away!! It's 11:59! I feel nauseous when I say that.. 5 DAAAAAYS! AHHH! Is it really happening? Man..
So, today was a pretty good day. My mom came and picked up our old furniture to take it to my sister's house... that way the family room was pretty cleared out for carpet cleaning! Then went to my ultrasound appt at the hospital where everything looked good! Our girl is measuring 7lbs 4ozs.. which goes along with the scan 2 weeks ago (they grow about a pound every two weeks at this stage) and also goes along with what size babies we normally have.. Gwen was full term @8lbs 11oz. Dresden was a week early @ 8lb 1oz, and going by these estimates, if Delaney went full term, she would be around 8lb 12oz! :) I'll guess her birth weight at 7lbs 11oz! After picking Gwen up from my mom's, I came home and started canning! Salsa, tomatoes, dehydrating tomatoes, and all the clean up that goes along with it! FUN! ;) We also had a nice visit with Brandon and Ro.. so Shaun didn't get the last pieces of trim up (thanks guys! haha) but he did complete the touch ups that he wanted to do! The family room is SOOO close to being done and our furniture arrives tomorrow! Keeping busy for the next 5 days should be easy! My mom asked today, what we're bringing the baby home in, and did I want her to get an outfit? I dunno? I'll probably pull out the box of clothes and have Gwen pick.. otherwise, a onesie? I honestly could care less what she comes home in.. as long as she comes home! I feel like there was more.. but I can't remember now. Oh, a little tid bit! I found out last night that the hosptial does indeed have wireless internet! Check here on Monday afternoon, hopefully we'll be able to post a picture and some info for y'all to see! Good night! :)

7 days...

2009-08-24T12:09:00.001-04:00

tiles!

2009-08-22T11:23:00.003-04:00

Brandon is hounding me for these pictures! ;) So, just for you... and I know if ANYONE can
appreciate beautiful tile work, its you! All you other folks can admire too.. Thanks to Shaun's folks for helping us out and of course to Shaun for nesting MORE than me!! hehe Our house renovations are almost complete.. and the new furniture arrives on Wednesday! Just in time to bring our sweet baby home.. it feels good to be this close!

I saw a rainbow

2009-08-22T11:12:00.003-04:00

a sign from the little rainbow in my belly? who knows, but I like to think of it as a happy positive sign that everything is going to go beautifully with her birth in 9 days! :)

a blah NST today.. 10 DAYS to go!

2009-08-21T14:16:00.003-04:00

So, Delaney was having lots of accelerations today, but they just weren't lasting long enough! 10 seconds, instead of 15... the doc, said he wasn't worried, but did the BPP ultrasound and caught her breathing instantly (I guess they only practice breathe 10% of the time.. even though Delaney seems to be breathing in there every time I have a scan!) good fluid levels and after a couple minutes she even moved her legs around (they look for breathing, movement and fluid in the test).. so made the doc happy. I only have 2 more NST's before she's born... I can't believe how close we are now!

36 weeks

2009-08-18T17:47:00.005-04:00

Less than 2 weeks to go! Another good NST today, I'm so happy that they've all been great after that first crappy one! Such a relief! :) I'm counting down the days.... Shaun is counting down the HOURS! (that's too much thinking for me! hehe) I'm really hoping that labor starts on it's own a couple days early.. I think I'm going to go insane just thinking about the c-section the day before it's scheduled! I've never had a planned surgery before!! eeek!
http://pregnancy.emedtv.com/pregnancy-week-by-week/36-weeks-pregnant-p5.html

Gwen wanted to a picture of HER baby belly too! (her babe's name is Dexter)

laundry and tears

2009-08-17T15:03:00.002-04:00

I don't usually cry while doing laundry.. not my style. But when you're going through the clothes that were meant to be worn by your baby boy a year ago.. it's not as easy as lights and darks (not that I separate clothes anyway!) I decided a long time ago that I was not going to do any special preparations for this babe's arrival. I don't want to get too cocky, or tempt fate or whatever.. but today after doing the laundry, I felt like I had another good load in me.. and Delaney is arriving in 2 short weeks, so why not put my desire to wash clothes to good use? I pulled out the box clothes from the armoire, where they've been sitting for nearly a year, and pulled each outfit out, one by one. There were 3 special things, that really got to me.. the blue outfit I bought when I was just a month into Dresden's pregnancy, blue because I was SO certain he'd be a boy, I knew I could buy it! The 'automatic sprinkler' onesie that Heather sent, with a sweet card from Eric, excited about getting a boy cousin close to his age, and the dinosaur outfit I picked up for Gwen to give her brother because she was SOOO into dinosaurs - that was purchased probably right around this time last year.. I remember seeing all the halloween stuff already out when I got it.. so tempted to buy a cute little costume too.
So, Delaney will have clean clothes to wear (although for now, not much in the way of girl clothes.. we'll have to venture into the attic once she's home and go through the rest of Gwen's clothes) - and a clean car seat.. I washed that yesterday. We're ready to meet our sweet baby!

shopping

2009-08-12T21:16:00.003-04:00

So, as I walked in the house after a little shopping trip, I thought.. WOW! I just bought things for all 3 of my children!! Very cool - probably something that will never happen again.. I mean, how many things does Dresden need, right?
Gwen - shoes
Dresden - picture frame
Delaney - baby wipes and butt paste (I did a survey at the hospital and was rewarded with a ten dollar giftcard to babies r us, so I put it to good use)

and now i'm having a root beer float and it is amazing!!!!

Shaun is so AWESOME!!

2009-08-12T19:12:00.002-04:00

Yep, my husband is super awesome.. not like you all didn't already know that! ;) He had his review at work today and got an OUTSTANDING review!! I'm so proud of him, I just had to share it!

Weekly NST and grow appt

2009-08-11T18:37:00.004-04:00

Today instead of an NST they did a full biophysical profile... not sure why, I actually think they were just letting a resident practice? So, I actually ended up with two ultrasounds today! Delaney's estimated weight is 6 lb 2 oz! Here are a few 3D shots that were captured today. :)
Look at those chunky little cheeks! Her face is pretty scrunched up in there.. oh yeah.. AND I'm 35 weeks today with less than 3 to go!!!!!!!

11 months

2009-08-09T00:00:00.001-04:00

It's hard to believe it's been 11 months since I held my sweet baby boy. It's often hard to let myself imagine what he'd be doing if he were with us right now. Probably walking, saying a few words, being totally adorable, of course! I should be working on his birthday party invitations right now - instead I'm writing about what should be. So much was stolen from our family and 11 months at times seems like an eternity ago, but sometimes so recent that I can still smell him, no matter how much time passes, I still long to hold him, love him. Mostly, I just can't believe it's been so long.. I miss him so much.

NST :)

2009-08-07T13:32:00.002-04:00

Another great NST for Delaney! I'm so glad that it seems the first one was a fluke and now she knows just what to do for that 20 minute appt! Blood pressure is good- 110/66 :) fundal height is good ANNNNND.. I asked the doc about my c-section appt and she looked it up and told me that I was the first appt of the day! 8AM!! YAAAAY!! Who'd have thunk that I'd find joy from being the first slice of the day??

:(

2009-08-05T23:21:00.002-04:00

We went to home depot to buy some painting supplies! :)
People were rather pleasant this evening there! :)
One of the pleasant people were being chatty with us, admiring Gwen's driving skills in the car buggy and picking out paint chips... here is the :( part of the conversation:
her: looking at my belly -"sooo, you got a little boy in there this time?"
me: nope, it's a girl
her: looking at Shaun with a teasing grin -"so what's wrong with you?"
shaun: oh, I don't know
her: "girls are great, we've got two of them and love em a ton!"
we: smile and part ways..
I: want to tell her that I have a boy
I: want to look at paint chips and sob
I feel even worse when one of the paints I consider is called "sweet baby boy" :(
This fucking sucks!

Momma Gorilla gets her rainbow baby!

2009-08-05T10:42:00.001-04:00

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1204017/After-heartbreak-baby-dying-arms-Gana-gorilla-cradles-newborn.html

34 weeks

2009-08-04T09:49:00.003-04:00

http://pregnancy.emedtv.com/pregnancy-week-by-week/34-weeks-pregnant-p5.html

Here we are! Less than 4 weeks before we get to hold this little one in our arms (and probably NEVER put her down!) It's getting so close and time is passing so quickly. We've got plenty to do before the big arrival!(actually Shaun has plenty to do! haha) I'm also really grateful for all these NST's.. a few weeks ago, I thought it was 'overkill' I didn't really need to be seen twice a week, right? Now, I look forward to these appointments - I need the reassurance that she's doing well in there. The closer we get, the more anxiety I feel. I will never go back to the happy innocence that I felt this same time last year.. it's just not possible. There are a few items that I'd like to buy.. but I struggle to buy them before she's home... small things, like baby wipes, nursing cream, - we've still got a giant box of diapers in the closet.. and can clothes that were washed last year still be clean enough for a baby or should I wash them again? I've tried so hard to not 'count my chickens' but the truth is, this little chicken has counted for months already! We have 3 children... no matter what happens now. Gwen is usually excited about the baby - but every once in a while, she changes her mind.. "I don't want a baby anymore" - yowch, that stings! Maybe she's protecting herself just in case? I don't know if a 3.5 yr old is capable of something so deep? I've also realized (aside from just plain ole' preggo brain) why I can't remember ANYTHING! It's because from the time I wake up til the time I go to bed, I'm constantly thinking - when is the last time she moved? I've only got room for so many thoughts! I even think this when I wake up in the middle of the night to pee! I get worried.. I haven't felt her in a while!? Uhh... DUH! You've been sleeping! Hey, I'm just amazed that it's taken me THIS long to get a little nuts! haha But, I'm not the only one.. yesterday while talking to my mom I said.. my back it hurting! :( (I think I had a bit of that sciatic nerve thing going on that people always talk about) and she says "is the baby moving?" I was like, yeah.. well not at the moment, but a little bit ago.. sooo anyhoo.. I guess that's all I got for now! 27 DAYS!

poor me.. ??

2009-08-01T19:01:00.002-04:00

I went to Kohl's today. As I was walking off the escalator with shoes for Gwen deep in my mind a woman standing at the top of the escalator looks at me, makes a sympathetic face and says "oh, you poor thing" i just smiled and thought, if you only knew what a poor thing I really am. :( and of course, it has nothing to do with being hugely pregnant in August.

It's Delaney's birthday month!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-08-01T00:00:00.000-04:00

YAHOOOOOO it's August!! I can't believe it's here.. and I can't believe I'm so excited for August (it's usually one of my least favorite months!) but when your baby is arriving it automatically makes a super fantastic month!!!! 30 days to go!

non stress test and unrelated stress!

2009-07-31T15:58:00.002-04:00

Delaney did fabulous today! Lots of good long accelerations! YAY! She was not being easy at first though, the nurse was having a lot of trouble getting her heart rate. I said that LUCKILY I feel her moving, otherwise I'd be really nervous! The nurse could see her moving too.. but eventually she got it on the monitor and all was good. I only needed to be hooked up for the 20 minute minimum.
After leaving the appointment I needed gas. I stopped off at Meijer and swiped my card.. see attendant is said - grr! so annoying to have to go inside! They swiped it and said, DECLINED! WHA? no way.. so I gave them some cash (which I normally NEVER have) and called the credit card company to say WTF? They tell me that they placed a hold because of some purchases I made yesterday (hmmm Trader Joes for 11 dollars and El Patio for 15? those were the only purchases I MADE yeserday) 738, 434, 34, 1 - at Walmart - one that is about 40 minutes from my house. Shaun and I both have our cards.. so someone is out there making credit cards that you can actually swipe at the store! It seems like no big deal to the credit card folks. They closed the acct, said we aren't liable for the fraudulent charges and will send new cards express. Hopefully it goes as smoothly as it sounds.

3 year olds!

2009-07-30T23:29:00.003-04:00

Gwen - daddy, can I watch a movie?
me, listening from the kitchen - NO, it's time for bed!
Gwen - noooo mommy, if I was talking to YOU, I would say, "mommy, can I watch a movie", but I'm talking to daddy.
me - but I said no, it's time for bed. (and I'm the BOSS!)
Gwen - but mommy, I was talking to daddy, remember what I just told you? If I asked you, you would say YES! :) HAHA

The best thing about this exchange is that she wasn't at all bossy with it.. she was just very matter of fact.. like if I say 'daddy' I want HIS answer, not yours! She already knows how to do this, doesn't she?

NST

2009-07-28T18:53:00.002-04:00

I am so impressed with the hospital appts! Things seem to go so fast and smooth.. I barely sit down in the waiting room before being called back. :) I told the nurse about our bad NST the other day and how I hoped the babe did her buisness today so I wouldn't have to worry. The nurse hooked me up and said, OH, looks like she's having an acelleration right now! YAY! AND she continued to have them for the 20 minutes! She probably had 5 or 6 during that time.. so I felt much better! :) I guess making sure she's awake does the trick. Then she did a really fast ultrasound to check fluid levels (which is a 'modified bpp' when done with the nst) the fluids scored a 10/10 so all is great! While she was doing the scan, I mentioned that I fell last night and is that something I should tell them? She said.. well, yes.. you should have called triage last night and they would have had me come in for 4 HOURS of monitoring! Yikes! I never even thought about a trip to the hospital for that. But she said something about falls or accidents could cause abruption and it would show up in that 4 hour period? So, I guess I'll be keeping that in mind for future falls. My total time from parking lot to leaving was 1 hour.. AND it took forever to park because the place was full! I'm happy for a good appointment... oh and btw, ms. Delaney is back head down again!

I fell :(

2009-07-28T10:15:00.002-04:00

It was bound to happen.. I keep tripping over cracks in the sidwalk! BUT.. this fall was not my fault. I was carrying Gwen to bed when I slipped on a little puddle of water (thank you GWEN - she was giving some 'tea' to her daddy a bit before and a little spilled). The fall wasn't too bad.. my left leg slipped out and somehow my right knee took most of the impact - I'm kind of shocked worse didn't happen to my knee just because it was behind me in a weird way and all scraped up!? Shaun kept asking the rest of the night if Delaney is moving?.. like the fall would kill her instantly or something? He hates when I say negative comments (or when I don't assume that in 5 weeks there WILL 100% for sure be a baby to bring home- even though mostly I DO believe that, I'm just afraid of getting too cocky) but the way he kept asking last night shows me that HE has the same worries too.. he's just not so open with them. She's been moving like normal.. and I have an NST/BPP today, so if the fall did anything we should be able to catch it. I hope the tests go good today and I don't have to be there for HOURS!

33 weeks with 5 to go!!

2009-07-27T21:40:00.001-04:00

http://pregnancy.emedtv.com/pregnancy-week-by-week/33-weeks-pregnant.html

http://3dpregnancy.parentsconnect.com/calendar/33-weeks-pregnant.html

What a tragic beautiful story

2009-07-26T09:39:00.001-04:00

http://freep.com/article/20090726/FEATURES08/907260333/Nursing-moms-come-to-aid-of-baby-boy

Ugh!

2009-07-24T13:24:00.003-04:00

So, the first NST was not great.. The minimum time you're hooked up is 20 minutes. I believe I was hooked up for 1 hour 20 minutes. A couple of times the baby moved (or I moved) and lost the heartbeat.. then I wasn't able to find it myself and tried calling to the nurses, who didn't hear me.. eventually they came in and worked their magic and got us going again. You're supposed to have 2 accellerated heart rates that last at least 15 seconds each.. Delaney wasn't giving us that.. which I think was partially my fault, since I know that she normally wakes up around 10:30 (and I made the appt for 9:50) after the nurse had me drink some ice water, the babe perked up a bit and started having more accellerations, but none lasting long enough to appease the doc. So, he decided to do a quick scan - Biophysical profile - and saw everything he wanted to see in about 3 minutes. AND.. it appears that this baby, who's been head down since APRIL (and at the ultrasound I had just this past MONDAY) has moved! How in the heck did I not notice a 4.5lb baby doing THAT big of a move?! She is now lying transverse (sideways) with her head on my right side and her back down... well, that would explain the different kind of movements I've been feeling the past few days. If I wasn't already having a c-section, that's a sure fire way to assure you get one! So, hopefully the next NST goes a little better than this one, and she passes it in 20 minutes. I made sure to make the rest of my Friday appts for 11 and later too.. hopefully that helps!

Mark your calendars!

2009-07-23T10:26:00.003-04:00

This is really for friends and family who are local.. we've got a few events coming up in October that we want to get you all excited about! ;)

October 4th - Metro Detroit Share group remembrance walk - they haven't posted details yet, but this is a local support group (that I haven't actually gone to, but plan on eventually meeting some of the other local families who've experienced a loss like ours) we'd like to get involved with. October is infant loss awareness month, and this walk is in honor of our babies. It'd be great if you can join us! http://www.metrodetroitsharegroup.com/

October 11th - Gwen's 1st annual kids halloween party! I am seriously so excited about this!! I want to make invitations NOW.... I want to pull out Gwen's halloween books, but it's JULY!! But how does one go about having a halloween party without tons of alcohol and na*ked men?!! haha I'll have to put candies in the pinata instead of booze, right?

October 17th - Our annual halloween party.. can't remember what number it is.. 7? 6? Anyway, you know what it's all about...

October 31st - OMG!! I just realized Halloween is on a SATURDAY this year!! YAY!!

Okay, so now I've got my burst of October excitement out.. it's a busy month, esp. once you add in apple orchards, hallowe'en in the village, pumpkin carving with the Moitozo's and Brandon and Ro's (really spooky and dangerous - because they have Coyotes now!) Halloween party! I can barely contain myself!!

Family room renovations

2009-07-22T11:20:00.003-04:00

We've decided to drywall the family room! We figured we'd do it before finishing the kitchen off, since to properly finish the kitchen we need more drywall! :) I'm so impressed at how great it already looks.. and it's not even mudded yet! Shaun has been putting in a couple hours a night after work and made a lot of progress in just a weeks time. The whole back room is drywall now!! Mudding starts tonight! Painting should be next week (or maybe by THIS weekend?? hehee) We're on a timeline now, we have about 5 weeks to finish the family room AND the kitchen (which still just needs one piece of trim, and the counter ledges) I told my mom my painting plans yesterday and she said.. umm didn't you paint when you were pregnant with Dresden? I said, yeah, mom.. but I hardly doubt that my painting last April killed him. It's one of those things, I guess.. like Shaun not wanting me to drink apple cider (AS if I would before September ANYWAY!) and me being afraid to do a whole list of things I did last year toward teh end of pregnancy, that are probably stupid - but better safe than sorry, right? So maybe my mom will be painting!? haha Even if she does, I think i'll at least paint the trim --outside of course for proper air circulation.
Here are a few pics of Shaun hard at work! ;)

Ultrasound

2009-07-20T18:44:00.005-04:00

I had my first Biophysical profile today! Everything looks great! Delaney was breathing right away - which is one of the things they need to do to pass the test. (I guess they do practice breathing, but not constantly) They also checked measurements and amniotic fluid levels. Everything is just perfect! She was moving lots, little punches with her hands and looking very sweet! Shaun took off work early so he could see her too.. Gwen fell asleep on the drive there, and was quite the little crab when we arrived. haha The ultrasound tech asked Gwen if she wanted her OWN picture of the baby and Gwen said.. NO! With her sassy little crab face! haha
OH! Her estimated weight is 4lb 6oz!! (I guessed 4lb 5oz!) :) So, going by the half pound per week that babies usually grow during these last weeks.. would put her 8lb 6oz at a full term birth. SO, she should be around 7-7.5lbs when she's born! Have I mentioned how I can't wait to hold her??
The lady gave us a TON of pictures.. unfortunately, none of them were super great! Delaney is already not photogenic, just like the rest of her family! hehe But here are a few.. the 3D scans kind of stretch areas.. so keep that in mind and we think the pic with her arm up looks like she has Popeye biceps!! haha

Dr. appt

2009-07-17T18:12:00.002-04:00

So, I had an appointment today.. not much to report. My appointments even now seem so boring. Anyway, the biggest news is...
Delaney is scheduled (wow, it feels weird to say that my child has a scheduled arrival date!) to be born via c-section on Monday, August 31st! The countdown begins!! There is always the chance that she comes earlier than that, since my previous history includes labor beginning 2-3 weeks before the due date (last year I had some hearty contractions around August 24th lasting about a week and then just stopping) IF I have those early contractions again, I will be delivering sooner. Otherwise, I can actually officially say it! Our baby will be born NEXT MONTH! (last day of the month, but STILL! haha)
Other happenings - My twice weekly non stress tests begin next week! I asked him about doing 1x per week at first, but he said the reason they do them twice is because the NST (I can't use the work guarantee's) but pretty much says that the baby will survive for 3-4 days.. he said that it's very unlikely for a baby to die anyway, buuuuuuut... we've already beat those odds once, so it doesn't offer too much comfort. SO.. hopefully the NST's will give us something positive to focus on in these last weeks, and help relieve some of the stress that I feel starting to creep in. (like when lil' one decides to sleep more often than usual and not bounce around as much! this was yesterday!!) So, even though it WILL be a pain to go to these NST's twice a week.. (30 -40 minute car rides each way! and probably not Gwen friendly) I think we'll feel good about checking on the babe often and KNOWING that we're doing everything possible to make sure she arrives with screams!
And last.. I've got a growth scan on Monday, so we'll get to see Delaney and get an idea of how big she is! hmm I'm going to guess 4lbs 5oz - Shaun says 4lbs.. we'll see!!
MAN!! Can the next 6.5 weeks just GET HERE!! :)

31 Weeks!

2009-07-14T10:08:00.003-04:00

http://www.pregnancyhut.com/31-weeks-pregnant/

31 weeks! Why does it feel like I should be 32 this week? hmmm
Everything is going well, I feel good.. don't have any of the usual annoyances of pregnancy, which is normal for me. I can't run though! haha Gwen always wants me to chase her and well.. it's just not happening! ;) Delaney is moving regularly, letting all of our friends and family cop a feel! The little jigs she does inside my uterus have at times caused a jolt of discomfort! haha Like when she jabbed a foot or fist into the top of my pelvic bone.. yowwch! Gwen likes to put her face on my belly, so Delaney can kick her face! Ah, sibling bonding!! I have a doc appt on Friday, we'll be scheduling the first of my NST's.. now the fun really begins! I'm still thinking about asking how he feels about 1x a week NST's for the first few weeks, and bumping up to 2x a week after that?
7 weeks or less little one....

Sad

2009-07-10T00:21:00.002-04:00

I've been feeling very sad since last night. I read on a fellow loss mom's blog, whose first child was stillborn that her second baby, was diagnosed at her 20 week ultrasound with Trisomy 18 - a terminal condition, he was born earlier this week (full term) and is spending whatever time he has on this earth with his family at home. She kept saying in her post that she just wanted to be able to take her baby home this time.. I'm so happy that she at least got to do that. I feel so heartbroken for this family, I can't stop thinking of them.. who deserves THIS kind of tragedy - and TWICE?!? I just can't wrap my mind around it... life is not fair, not at all.

30 weeks

2009-07-07T08:00:00.001-04:00

http://www.pregnancyhut.com/30-weeks-pregnant/

The big week is finally here.. well, I suppose it's not THE BIG WEEK (that would be birth, right?) but we have now entered the final weeks! I will be 30 something weeks pregnant when Delaney is born!! Nothing new to report on the pregnancy front, she's still moving lots and letting me know she's okay. There are still times when i get nervous that she hasn't moved for a bit, and I start going over in my head how horrible it's going to be and how I'll react and what happens next and all this crap that I don't really want to think about - but once something so terrible happens to you, you don't get to live in a dream anymore. Even with those feelings and thoughts creeping in at times, I feel really positive and just KNOW that I'll be holding this baby in 8 weeks or less, and she will be alive. I can't wait for that day!!

Up north

2009-07-05T22:38:00.007-04:00

We took a weekend trip to the cabin and had a blasty good time! We got to see fireworks, and a good home town parade, swimming, and just relaxing, we even ate some homemade amish ice cream! MMM! Here are some pics from our trip..

Gwen's favorite item in the cabin? Kitty salt and pepper shakers!

Mio pond (aka leech pond) just before Gwen sat down with her pants on and then swam in her und.ies

The start of our nature hike

wild blueberries that weren't quite ready yet.

the joys of nature!

Gwen just before being stung by... a LADY BUG!

Shaun and Gwen

Gwen with the annual pink elephant shot!

Shaun was trying to get Gwen to jump off the log.

love!

Gwen loves this kind of swing!

Shaun being super cool by jumping off the bar!!

Shaun doing his CHAMPION move, since he beat Gwen in a slide race! hahaha

Gwen with her first sparkler.. and yes, we were freaked out by it and who knows when or if it will happen again!! But at the same time it was really neat! ;)

Swimming at Smith Lake!

Collecting candy from the street during the parade!

Gwen's first parade!! A really great one too! :)

I did it!!

2009-07-02T09:37:00.003-04:00

You might not think this is a big deal.. but for me and the last 10 months of my life, it really is ! I purposely went to visit our friends and their new baby girl! She is so tiny, 5.5 pounds, and with these delicate little adorable features! AND a TON of hair, with frosted tips! She's already stylin'! ;) Shaun and Gwen held her.. and Gwen had the biggest grin on her face.. she called her precious! I thought it would be hard seeing Gwen hold a newborn, but it wasn't... it was really a beautiful moment! Congrats Rob and Amy!! Your sweet girl is just lovely! :)

2009-07-01T09:02:00.003-04:00

Well, I just gotta say it... It' JULY!! Our baby will most likely be born next month!! hehe Of course, not unil the very end..but still! :)
I had a bad dream last night.. not that bad, and it surely would never come true, but i still didn't like it! Shaun and I had plans to go to Canada for drinking? and the baby was born, it was Dresden, but also Delaney and we decided to go ahead with our plans and leave Gwen to sleep on the couch and the baby to sleep in the bed. I said as long as we're back within about 2 hours all would be fine, because that's when the baby would wake up to nurse. Well, we went and I drank and passed out - woke up 4 hours later and was frantic that the baby was probably up and crying for 4 HOURS!! I know, a stupid dream.. but when I woke up to pee, I was pretty traumatized by it.
Anyway, I don't think I've ever felt so happy that it was July! I can only imagine the giddiness in our house when August rolls around! hehee
In other randomness.. yesterday felt like Autumn.. it was a really beautiful day! I know, many people don't agree with my idea of beautiful weather! But to me- 65 is perfect!! I even wore a sweater! I've asked Shaun before if he thought Fall would feel like Dresden.. and I found yesterday that it will.. and while it felt a little more sad than normal, I also felt peaceful.

29 weeks!

2009-06-30T10:03:00.002-04:00

http://pregnancy.emedtv.com/pregnancy-week-by-week/29-weeks-pregnant.html

Holy crap! My last week in the 20's! 9 weeks or less til Delaney arrives! It's been going by so fast.. I hope it stays this way! Something tells me that once I hit 33 weeks, it's going to draaaaaaaaaaag! Oh well.. every day brings us closer to holding our little rainbow baby, and the more time that passes the more absolutely giddy I become!! Of course there is another side to the excitment.. the fear... did she move as much today? Yesterday I had to use the doppler in the morning, then we were out and about all day, 4 hours at the village, then playing outside, and baking cookies and cleaning.. I didn't get the crazy moves last night that I'd been getting for the past few days. That kind of thing freaks me out! But I have to remind myself that she can change positions, and be not so powerful with the kicks and jabs, but I sure do prefer them to be strong and constant! :)

Delaney

2009-06-28T10:11:00.003-04:00

Well, I had a doc appt on Friday.. he said "so, we're delivering at 37 weeks?' WHA? we are?? Well, maybe not. I told him that I was going to try to hold off for the 38 week mark, since I'd rather not stay in the hospital extra days for steroids.. and of course the common sense part of my brain does still know that inside for longer is best for the baby. I do, however, reserve the right to freak out at the end and decide that being in the hospital two days before a 37 week birth with all the monitors on, making sure that she's staying alive will suit our family better! I don't want to be psycho... but I just don't know how I'll feel as we inch closer to the birth. For now, I'll plan on a 38 week arrival. September 1st or earlier! :)
The other thing I learned at the docs is that they are wanting me to have 2 NST's a week! I thought the other doctor said 1.. I might ask more about this, because that would mean driving once a week to Ann Arbor, and once a week to my doc office (30 min drive too) I feel like once a week would suit me just fine, at least from 32-35 weeks, then maybe bump it up to two times a week after 35? I'll inquire about that with the doc when I see him again in 3 weeks! My uterus is measuring 30 weeks (I was 28.5 at the appt) so a little big.. but of course I think this measurement is only 100% accurate if you had a flat stomach before getting pregnant, plus Delaney is a little bigger than average according to the last growth scan I had!? Soo, hmm.. what else? Oh, yes.. I've started doing kick counts. I've never done them before, it's kind of strange.. so far it seems to take 10-15 minutes to get 10 kicks (supposed to have at least 10 in two hours) so, what I'm really looking for is her pattern.. so far her's is taking 15 minutes, so if one day it takes an hour.. that's when I get to freak out and race to the hospital! Hopefully she keeps up her crazy active schedule. For the past two nights, we've watched a late movie and she has moved pretty much non stop for the whole time I'm resting! A night owl is living in my womb! She already moves more than Gwen or Dresden ever did, and she's only 28 weeks! This baby knows what her parents need to stay sane! Thank you baby girl!! Last night while feeling her move and watching the movements together with Shaun, I just got an overwhelming urge to hold her! I mean, I am.. technically holding her all the time, but I just want her in my arms SO bad! I've never had that feeling before... with Gwen and Dresden I just loved having them inside so much, that they could stay as long as they liked. I still love having Delaney inside too.. but man, I really can't wait to hold her and see her!!

28 weeks

2009-06-23T21:53:00.002-04:00

10 weeks to go! (or maybe a little less)
http://pregnancy.emedtv.com/pregnancy-week-by-week/28-weeks-pregnant.html
I just can't wait to meet this sweet little girl bouncing about inside my uterus!
Time really can't move quickly enough right now, so I will do my best to keep busy and help it along. I have a doctors appt this Friday, I can't imagine learning anything new.. but perhaps I can get him to set me up with a date that I can focus on! ;) Of course, I'm fully planning on having contractions on my own and going to the hospital because of that!

Camping

2009-06-21T10:35:00.009-04:00

We headed off to Lake Michigan on Thursday for a long weekend camping trip! It was a great time overall..the biggest issue was the swarms of mosquito's! Seriously, where are they coming from!?! These are the buggers who do not rest up during the day, they are ALWAYS there! And when I say SWARM.. it' s not an exaggeration! This is our 3rd time camping at this place (our favorite spot that we found on a post high school trip, and couldn't figure out where it was until a few years ago) and never been nearly carried away by the pesky insects! Luckily the beautiful shoreline of Lake Michigan was a short walk away and the mosquito's didn't hang out at the beach! :) Here are some pictures from our trip!

Setting up the tent is always fun!

After our camp was situated we headed down to the beach! Ahh! So wonderful!!
Gwen wasn't afraid of the icy cold lake.

buried in the sand, just long enough for a picture

We took a nature hike, and saw this beautiful doe - she never ran away from us, she must have known that we love animals and would never hurt her! :)

Shaun and Gwen looking at the deer.

On the drive to the dunes we saw this at a dairy farm! Babies everywhere! I made Shaun turn around so I could get pictures and see the little cow nursing from her momma! It was the sweetest thing! I don't think I've ever seen a baby allowed to nurse - Beautiful!!

Gwen started climbing sleeping bear dunes before we did! She was so excited! I thought she'd get lazy, but she kept going and going! whew!

Shaun and Gwen chilling out for a moment

We were excited because I actually was able to climb the dune too!! In my lazy, achy pregnant state, I wasn't sure it could be done! ;)

We could have used more water.. little fishy drank it all!

Gwen gives Delaney a kiss and tells her about sleeping bear dunes!

Shaun RUNS down the dune. Lucky he didn't fall on his face!

There was a scenic drive we did after the dunes, it was really nice.. so we had someone take a picture of us!

Pancakes for breakfast... I think my belly looks so small in this picture - Shaun thinks I'm wrong!

We spent all of Saturday at the beach - here are Shaun and Gwen setting up our area!

daddy and Gwen kayak! She thought this was pretty amazing!

It was such a perfect beach day!

Shaun does some more burying.

Gwen is showing her booboo and sad face. Shaun was getting the camera to take a picture of Gwen and I in the water together. Gwen snuck behind him and laid down in the sand, Shaun was looking for her and stepped right on her hand! After one of those long drawn out breath's she howled in agony.. Shaun was concerned that it was broken and wondered if we should take her to the hospital. All she really needed was a bandage and some time.. then she was good as new! :)

We went to the zoo last week and Gwen SO wanted a butterfly to land on her hand. We saw a few at the beach and decided to try. Eventually we gently put our hand in front of the butterfly and it walked on her hand.. she was SOOOO excited!

We were surfing on some driftwood.

Momma and Gwen kayak too!

A really juicy peach! MMM!

Shaun was being a sand monster to Gwen (her invention) and she started to cry and informed him that he wasn't supposed to get HER.. they were supposed to be sand monster daddy and baby TOGETHER!

Here they are getting their sand monster bodies ready by rolling in the sand.

and one of my favorite pictures EVER! The sand daddy and baby attacking mommy!

playing in the sand.

After a full day at the beach, covering all of our pasty bodies with sun screen (50SPF) SHAUN still managed to get a burn! He was applying sunscreen as often as Gwen.. she has NO burn at all, he's back and arms are lobsterish! I've got a mild burn, but I wasn't applying sunblock as often as Shaun! Crazy, eh?

So, after returning to our campsite we decided that we'd make veggie dogs and then drive into town for ice cream before coming back to see the sunset. I pulled out the veggie dogs, and they just seemed weird, like squishy, so we decided to not take a chance by eating them.. the mosquito's were swarming and attacking us like crazy and Shaun knew his burn was not going to feel great on a sandy sleeping bag - so we decided to come home a little early. (I think Shaun just wanted to make sure he got a good father's day breakfast in bed!!) ;) hehe We had a GREAT trip and can't wait to go back! (hopefully next time the mosquito problem won't be so bad.)

a really great link

2009-06-18T10:51:00.000-04:00

http://www.ehow.com/how_4782256_stillbirth-miscarriage-pregnancy-infant-loss.html

Perinatal Consultation

2009-06-17T18:18:00.003-04:00

I had my perinatal consult today, and was pleasantly surprised when the woman called me back and we walked to the ultrasound room! I said, "am I getting a scan today?" Then after telling her what I thought I was there for (a meeting with the doctor to go over timing for NST's (non stress tests) and recommendation for delivery with amnio? or steroids? or none of the above) But, first things first... a surprise ultrasound!! I always love getting to see our little girl! (and yes, I had the tech scan her 'area' once again, and she showed a very clear view of her girly parts - even I could tell!) She's weighing in at 2lbs 11oz! WOW! (I think 2lbs 3oz is the average). The doctor said that we would start weekly NST's at 32 weeks - which would consist of me being hooked up to a monitor for the babies heartbeat for 30 minutes and an ultrasound to check the fluid levels. I asked my biggest question - WHEN! He said, we could do 37 weeks.. but anything before 38 weeks I'd have to get steroid shots, and if I got those, I'd probably have to be in the hospital for 2 days before her birth because of blood sugars going wacky and they'd want to monitor that. I'm feeling like the closer to 38 weeks the better (I'd rather not be in the hospital any longer than I have to, AND even though I don't really trust my body to do the right thing, I still feel like the safest place for the babe is inside with as much time to grow as possible) - but we'll reassess my sanity as time goes on. I also tend to start contracting earlier than 38 weeks.. so if that happens the babe can be born without steroids! :) Here are two pictures that I got today of our sweet little Delaney! Her hands are still up by her face, but not covering it! No 3D pics today though..

I feel like I've lost him all over again..

2009-06-16T10:12:00.001-04:00

While checking my morning emails, I felt something under my shirt. Little particles of something... I pulled some out, thought Gwen must have somehow got some candy in there, and threw it on the floor.. i'll vacuum later, right? I go into the kitchen to make a call, and feel more of this stuff under my shirt, between my tank bra and shirt.. I lift up my shirt and out falls all of this stuff.. I'm puzzled - for a second.. then I see Dresden's urn is missing from my necklace! His ashes are all over the kitchen floor! I feel okay, but rush around looking for the urn part, hoping it's not shattered somewhere in our bed, it's not there.. it's under my shirt still (baby and boobs hold it in place) it's totally empty, I start to freak out, call Shaun at work and can barely talk - I get out that Dresden's necklace broke and his ashes are on the floor, I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe. Shaun got me calmed down a bit, but as soon as we hung up, I lost it again, screaming out! I don't even remember screaming when he died.. then I had to go back by the computer and search the floor for my dead sons ashes, and then to the kitchen, adding each little piece back into the cobalt blue urn. I've been wearing him since 3 days after he died, everywhere but the shower, and now my necklace is broken. Shaun says he can fix it, but what if he can't? I feel sick... I couldn't protect him then, and I can't even protect him now!

16 years!!

2009-06-11T00:00:00.001-04:00

We have now been together for more than half of my life! In honor of our 16 year anniversary, I'm going to post the story of our beginning. I've posted it before, but here it is again, because this date is the really important one to us! :)

The Story of our beginning

Like the beginning of any perfect romance, we met on the school bus. The year was 1992, I was in 10th grade, he was in 9th (so I like younger men.. big deal!) and it was to be the beginning of a magical journey together. Of course me being 15 and him 14, we would have NEVER thought of forever – well, maybe I did.. but that’s what
15 year old girls do!
Anyhow, back to the first meeting. We were on the bus ride home from good old John F. Kennedy high school, when Joel (my 3rd cousin and Shaun’s Tae Kwon Do buddy) started to harass Leona, Dina and I. Or more likely we started to harass him. Shaun being the macho and flirty guy that he his, stepped in to assist his superior in Tae Kwon Do. Probably to catch some female attention, knowing Shaun.
It took me a few days to figure out that I was gonna have to like this guy. We actually talked, which was weird for me. Normally when I liked boys, I was super shy and the biggest conversation would have been “hi” followed by lots of giggles and excitement. But Shaun was different; I could actually talk to him, and considered him a friend.
The day I finally decided for sure that he was my next target for love (I’d only targeted like 2 guys in my whole life!) was the day that Joel fractured his jaw in tae kwon do class! Lucky for me it wasn’t serious enough for him to be out of school for long, and only two days later he was back on the bus.
One of these early days on the bus ride home, he sang a song to me. Under the Bridge by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I thought it was just the most romantic thing ever. So, I did what any girl in my situation would do. I bought the tape!! (yes, we used cassette tapes back then!) I loved that song so much, and Anthony Kiedis was HOT! I kept asking Leona; don’t you think Shaun kind of looks like him?? She always said nope. One thing we did agree on about Shaun though, was that he had an arrogant appeal to him. While watching Beauty and the Beast one day, we decided that he was definitely Gaston like. “She’s the best girl in town and don’t I deserve the best???” Ha!
I can’t remember when the first candy gram was sent to my sssecretly-admired love, possibly December 1992. This started a two-month period of ssecret love letters. Leona and I would make up poems, very clever poems like.. ‘I see you walking down the hall, I wish you were my butterball” and ‘Every time I see you my heart goes bump bump’ We were full of fabulous ideas. Every letter was signed “Love, your sssssecret admirer” and sealed with a kiss – from Leona normally, because I would just start to laugh and lipstick would be everywhere! Mary supplied us with the cards since she worked for Hallmark at the time and had a nice stock of every kind of card imaginable. The reason for the many ssss, besides my name starting with an S?? My Chinese animal sign is the snake. Shaun knew this, so I offered it as a little hint. Unfortunately he didn’t get it.
He always figured that the most likely culprit was Dina, since she was the only one who didn’t talk to him. I had planned on putting a valentine puzzle in his locker with a teddy bear to expose the secret. However, Shaun called my house one day while I was babysitting and talked to Jennifer for a bit.. who very willingly ratted me out! What kind of sister does that? So Shaun knew the big secret, was he thrilled? I don’t know.. he really liked many girls at the time, his flirtatious ways
made sure that a few girls liked him too!
When the next semester started, I had switched out of a class (can’t remember which one or why, but there was a good reason??) and got into Ms. Eskins art class instead. (gotta love Fate!) I was walking to class with Dina and when we walked by Ms. Eskins room, guess who I saw?? SHAUN RYAN!! Oh the delight, I actually probably squealed in the hallway! 2nd hour was going to be the BEST! So, I came in, and sat at a table with Shaun, Jason Ward and Beth Gorke. We all had a lot of fun in that class.
Around March of 1993, I joined tae kwon do after watching a Jean Claude Van Dam movie with Leona. She was already in karate, and of course the fact that Shaun was in it too, had nothing to do with me wanting to join! So, I went to class all the time, and got all giddy and excited when I saw Shaun walking toward the building with his workout bag in tow. His giups were always so much fun to laugh at. HI, MY, DIE, PIE… etc. and it gave me more of a chance to flirt with him and watch him get all sweaty!
On June 6, 1993 I got my drivers license. A couple days later, my mom let me drive her car to karate. How cool was I?? Jennifer walked up there later so she could ride home with me. I left class feeling highly important and mature; after all, I did have a car to drive! (even if it was just for less than a mile trip and my mom’s!) I had the brilliant plan that I would pull up next to Shaun and offer him a lift, you know, to look suave. So, backing out I hear BOOM! And then an alarm going off. I just froze, and then asked Jennifer, did I hit it? Did I hit it? She said, NO! go go go!! There goes my suave idea. There was no way that I could offer him a ride now, I felt like a total idiot and I was super freaked out. I took the car home and decided to go for a walk with Jennifer. We walked to the Little Rose Chapel, for a quick prayer. Then I was ready to go to Shaun’s house. I was embarrassed and wanted to see how much of that he saw? Of course he saw everything.. we laughed and chatted. I tried to kiss Bear and it looked like he might bite my face off - it seems that no one had taught that dog how to kiss!
Back at school, there was talk about Shaun and not one but two girls that he liked. Beth Gorke labeled them party number one and party number two. I wasn’t allowed to know who they were, which led me to believe that I was one of them. Though I can’t remember which one? And honestly I didn’t care, as long as I was the one picked! Well, that dream came true on Friday, June 11, 1993! What a wonderful day that was! We sat next to each other on the bus that afternoon and I found out that my new FIRST awesome boyfriend was not going to be able to see me all weekend! He had boy scout camp to attend – WHAT? I’m going out with a boy scout?? Wow.. I didn’t even think those existed in high school. Oh well, there would be plenty of other weekends to hang with my new man.
Our first horrible kiss was in the back of the karate school, probably 5 days after our relationship began. Joel was there, he asked us if we’d kissed yet. We shyly said no… and he said, you guys need to kiss right now! I’m not letting you leave until you kiss!! So, we went for it… and it was kind of a rushed painful kiss.. highly embarrassing! On the walk to my house after, I had some gum in my mouth and I said, to Shaun, want some? He said yes… and that’s how we had our first real kiss. How incredibly cheesy! But we are a cheesy couple, so it fits.
Our first movie date was with Leona, Dina and BrandonWilley. We went to southland mall’s movie theatre to see Jurassic Park. Afterward, we took photo’s in the booth. You can tell that I am not at my most comfortable in those photo’s.. as the years go by, those photo booth pictures get more and more loosey goosey! I never considered the movie to be our real first date. Since we went with friends, it wasn’t the same. What I consider our first date is midway golf. Shaun’s mom picked me up. I was wearing shorts with a black pleather front and some kind of flannel shirt with cut off sleeves (Hey, it was the grunge era!) Shaun sat in the back with me, like his mom was a chauffeur or something, which was a little strange to me, but nice to have him sitting next to me in the back of the mini van. We arrived at midway to play putt putt golf, and after walked across the street to get ice cream. It was raining a bit, we were sitting outside and kissing a lot! (we were old pro’s by then!) Shaun was trying to remove strawberry seeds from my retainer! The owners of the ice cream place came out and said we had to leave because they were closing down for the day. (or they didn’t want teenagers making out at their business!?) So, we walked to the pay phone and called for our pick up ride. What a fun and memorable day. We still celebrate our dating anniversary each year by going to play putt putt at midway.

The End. Of the beginning.

9 months

2009-06-09T00:13:00.002-04:00

9 months inside, growing, preparing for a beautiful life filled with laughter and now 9 months since he entered our world without a breath. I still can't believe this is my life.. but here I sit, Dresden's sister in my belly and no chunky 9 month old crawling nearby. I miss that sweet boy every day, i'm glad he was part of my life, even if our time was cut short. This milestone is a difficult one, from here on out.. he's been gone longer than he was with us.. but you know, nothing about your child dying is easy is it?

26 weeks

2009-06-09T00:11:00.000-04:00

http://3dpregnancy.parentsconnect.com/calendar/26-weeks-pregnant.html

Favorites according to Gwen

2009-06-07T21:44:00.002-04:00

While Gwen and I took a walk this evening, she looked at the trees. Then made the following observation - "Tree's are mommy's favorite, Incredible Hulk is daddy's favorite and hearts are my favorite" I asked her if the hearts inside our bodies were her favorite, or ones that you draw? Her answer?? "Hearts that I EAT! Candy hearts!" ... of course!! haha

How can anyone not be entertained by a 3 year old?

Strawberries, lots and lots of strawberries!

2009-06-06T23:45:00.007-04:00

So, today was my birthday, and besides having a grad party to go to, we wanted to go strawberry picking! I called the other day, and they said picking starts on June 3rd, so it was planned! We got a later start than we wanted, since we were all up very late with a nice game of Phase 10 with friends.. so we didn't leave the house til 12:30 or so (intended to leave around 10!) Oh well.. right? So, we get to the strawberry picking place - a 25 or so minute drive from home, Gwen is super excited about it, and well.. so am I! AND the place is CLOSED!! The sign says, "sorry, all picked out!" grrr! Oh well, we venture over to Brandon and Ro's, since Gwen and I hadn't seen the new place yet, and it was close by and got to visit for a bit, see the adorable little chickens they have and all the progress they're making on the house as well as a venture into the forest AND a 4 wheeler ride! Weee!! We came home, and I called a couple other strawberry farms in the area (1 hour away) and we decided to go to the grad party for a bit, then take off early and get to the farm, they were open til 7.. we got there at 6, and it was so perfect!! There was another family gathering berries, with the mom teaching me a thing or two about making jams (which was my intent with some of our harvest!) We picked 9 quarts, which I didn't think was too many... Gwen even filled her quart box once! We also took plenty of berries out in our bellies! (esp. Gwen!!) It turned out to be a really great day! For some strange reason, I felt pretty ambitious after returning home at 8pm.. I went to the store and got canning supplies! We made 11 8oz jars of Strawberry and Strawberry/rhubarb jam!! I can't believe I just canned food!! It was so rewarding when the lids did that pop noise after being in the water bath! I'm totally excited about this.. can you tell!? hehee I guess we'll have to wait until tomorrow to see how it actually turns out (and crap! we're outta bread! haha) Here are some picture from our day!

The picking begins!

Gwen finds a good one..and a tasty one too!

Shaun loooooooooves the strawberry

Look at this!!

Shaun is overjoyed!!

Look at all the strawberries we gathered!!

Shaun made me an ice-cream birthday cake! I'm 15 again!! YAY!
Shaun does the tough part of not getting burned while transferring jars..

Our first strawberry jam!! WOOHOO!

Delaney in 3D!

2009-06-03T06:03:00.003-04:00

We had an ultrasound for the study visit yesterday. I made sure to tell the doctor performing the scan that we really needed some good pics this time, since so far, we've gotten no real great ones! She said, Oh, would you like some 3D images!? ummm yeah! Of course! So, she made a great attempt to get us some nice shots of our little babe! BUT! She kept putting her hands up covering her face and not making things really easy. So, we only ended up with two shots, but they are still pretty darn cute. :) Take a look! Still measuring right along with her due date.. I was 25 weeks yesterday, and all the measurments were 25+ a few days!

Shaun and Gwen were able to join me, and Gwen was really excited to see her baby sister on the TV screen! She suggested that 'Delaney looks just like a baby chicken and that she's soooo little and sooooo cute!'

24 weeks!

2009-05-25T23:00:00.002-04:00

I'm 3 months away from the goal! I'm amazed how time is flying by.. I think it helps that i've been keeping myself very busy lately ! I saw the baby move yesterday! Sitting in my sky chair, I feel like I've been looking at my belly waiting for that moment ever since I got pregnant.. always expecting it to happen. It was one of my favorite things to do when Dresden was in my belly.. I could always lean back and watch him move. :) She also shared some moves with her aunties when we were in Kansas!! Hooray! I have the glucose test and doctors appt on Friday... I sure hope I don't puke up the orange soda drink like I did last year! It's a shame that you can't eat pizza or fries before drinking it.. that would make it go down a whole lot easier, but we don't want carbs on top or carbs for a sugar test, do we? Also, it looks like my next study visit ultrasound will be June 2nd... hopefully they actually give me some good prints this time! We're still talking about the 3d ultrasound.. which would be sometime next month... I think Shaun and I are both leaning toward doing it.. I don't think doing it is something we'd ever regret.. but NOT doing it could be. Other than that, nothing really to report, mentally, I'm doing pretty well - although the farther along I get the more worried I get.. I've had a few times already that I stop and wonder when the last time I felt the baby, then I get paranoid, and have to use the doppler to hear that she is indeed still with us! I'm having a difficult time assuming that I'll have a baby this fall.. and as much as I hate the fact, Shaun and I have discussed certain things - if the outcome is not the one we hope for.. what we would do differently 'this time'.. I hate that we even have to think about it, but we know that crappy things happen.. and even to US, so it seems like it'd be worse if we didn't accept and realize all the possibilities that go along with pregnancy. (even the horrid ones) and on one last sweeter note.. I have been anti buying baby things this time.. not that we bought THAT much for Dresden (breast pump, slings, a couple of cutie outfits and a giant freakin' box of diapers!) but still, I didn't want new baby things around, so while we were in Kansas at Target, Gwen saw some newborn 'toe pajamas' and she said, "we have to buy these toe pajamas for the baby in your belly!" and they were on clearance for 3 bucks and so I said, what the hell! A gift from her big sister! :) I'm glad!
http://www.pregnancyhut.com/24-weeks-pregnant/

I like surveys! :) ,.... and turtles

2009-05-24T20:50:00.002-04:00

1. What time did you get up this morning? I was actually woken by the beboppin of my little babe! It must have been pretty intense to A)wake me up and B) be part of my DREAM! I think it was 9:30
2. Diamonds or pearls?
Diamonds? I'm not much of a jewelry person, though.
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? I love you Man
4. What is your favorite TV show? hmm Heroes or Lost probably.
5. What do you usually have for breakfast? Smoothies
6. What is your middle name?Marie
7. What food do you dislike?Any kind of meat, obviously - and black olives.
8. What is your favorite CD at moment?umm we usually listen to mix cd's
9. What kind of car do you drive?Caravan - mini van
10. Favorite sandwich? varies
11. What characteristic do you despise? during pregnancy.. there are many! haha
12. Favorite item of clothing?I don't have one.
13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? At the moment, it'd be anywhere we can drive, since flying with kids doesn't sound like any fun to me! I think i've covered the main ones in my previous life - Spain, England and Ireland - love to go back someday!
14. Favorite brand of clothing? Don't have one.
15. Where would you retire to? wherever my kids(and grandkids!) live
16. What was your most recent memorable birthday? probably 30th
17. Favorite sport to watch? tennis? Not a huge sports fan. I like to go to games, but not so much watching them on TV.
18. Furthest place you are sending this?I'm just posting it on my blog, that way whoever cares to read it can do so!
19. Person you expect to send it back first??
20. When is your birthday?6/6/77
21. Are you a morning person or a night person? more night..
22. What is your shoe size?8.5
23. Pets?2 cats. Loki and Odin
24. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us? I don't think I've got anything 'new'.. just the same old stuff, eh?
25. What did you want to be when you were little? teacher
26. How are you today? pretty nifty
27. What is your favorite candy?hmm chewy sour things
28. What is your favorite flower?purple coneflowers are pretty.
29. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to? Not sure on the specific day yet, but whenever this baby gets to come out- that would be the day I'm most looking forward too.. it can't get here quick enough!
30. What's your full name?Shannon Marie Ryan
31. What are you listening to right now? Gwen playing with her toys
32. What was the last thing you ate? A giant salad - and it was SOOO yummy!
33. Do you wish on stars? I have, but not in a long time.
34. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?green
35. How is the weather right now?Nice
36. The first person you spoke to on the phone today? My mom
37. Favorite soft drink? pepsi, rarely..
38. Favorite restaurant? too many
39. Real hair color?whatcha see is whatca get! Dark brown
40. What was your favorite toy as a child? most memorable is my pillow person, but we left her when we moved from up north.. then magically the kids that moved in also had a pillow person - the exact same one I had! hmmmmm
41. Summer or winter? I'll take Fall or Spring any day! I'm already excited for Fall, actually! For lots of reasons!
42. Hugs or kisses? both!
43. Chocolate or Vanilla? vanilla
44. Coffee or tea?Herbal tea pleace! ICED!
45. Do you want your friends to email you back? naaa
46. When was the last time you cried? Well, I probably tear up most days.. but the last really good sob fest was courtesy of the movie Benjamin Button.
47. What is under your bed? nothing at all.
48. What did you do last night? wow, I don't remember.. hung out at home.
49. What are you afraid of? This baby dying too. (and of course anyone else I love leaving me too soon.)
50. Salty or sweet? depends on the day..
51. How many keys on your key ring?4
52. How many years at your current job? 3 years 5 months.
53. Favorite day of the week? Saturday.
54. How many towns have you lived in?6ish
55. Do you make friends easily? Sometimes
56. How many people will you send this to? ?
57. How many will respond??

and some more Kansas

2009-05-20T21:16:00.007-04:00

Here we are at the last night of our week visiting family in Kansas! We've had a great time, which you can tell by the pictures! :) We'll be on the road again tomorrow morning and home to see Shaun (daddy) on Friday!! We're super excited about that, of course! :) Here are some more pictures from the last couple days.. enjoy!

Gwen ready for the beach

momma and Gwen in the chilly water

beach fun!

Grandma doing shirt painting with the girls
Gwen showing off her Ariel tattoos

Emma's

Erin's tattoo's as well as her tear shaped swing accident scrape!

Eric has tat's too!

a little trail by the scenic overlook

The kids saying - COTTON CANDY!! (instead of the standard cheese!)

kiddos at the scenic overlook

Gwen climbing.. and Eric preparing to join.

The Oz Museum in Kansas!

2009-05-19T10:26:00.003-04:00

Notice all the ruby slippers! :)

KANSAS

2009-05-17T11:33:00.004-04:00

Here are some pictures from our trip to Kansas.. we're still here.. these are mainly for daddy at home and relatives! enjoy! :) (ps. Shaun - your mom has more on myspace!)

tasty lunch at a rest stop!

A hilarous gas station.. to me at least..

We're in Kansas!!! WOOO!

All dressed up.. even Eric! :)

making clown cupcakes

sleeping in grandma's bed!

making pirates and princesses

Gwen's pirate princess

Happy Mother's day to Shaun too!!

2009-05-10T12:52:00.002-04:00

YAY! Shaun got to feel the baby today! He put his face on my belly, and she kicked or punched him right in the cheek!! About 10 times!! :) He's so excited! :)

I felt her!

2009-05-10T09:44:00.003-04:00

Well, I've been feeling the baby for weeks.. from the inside.. but last night as I lay in bed, thinking about Dresden and kissing Gwen's sleeping head next to mine the baby started to move... I put my hand to see if I could feel her - and I DID!! Poor Shaun, he's been trying for weeks to feel her movements! :) I went back out to the living room and laid down, so he could try.. but no luck! Poor daddy! By this time last year, he'd been feeling Dresden's moves for a couple of weeks already - so surely in the next few days (hopefully before I leave for Kansas on Wednesday!) he'll get to feel this one for the first time. :)
What a sweet mother's day gift from the little one inside!

8 months

2009-05-09T19:32:00.004-04:00

He'd be 8 months old today.. instead of watching him crawl across the green soggy grass in our yard, we dug a hole. A hole for his apple tree. We poured his ashes into our hands and sprinkled them into the hole, and sobbed as we missed our sweet boy. Did I think I would cry? I really didn't.. I thought I'd be fine, I felt like this was a good healing event, and I didn't expect quite so many tears. Gwen asked, "what's wrong momma? Are you crying?" I said, "yes, because I miss Dresden".. she then went off to find me a 'napkin' to wipe my tears. Sweet little girl, where would we be without her? So, the tree is in the ground and it feels really good to have something living to remember our sweet son. I look forward to many years of apples, sitting next to Dresden's tree and sharing his memory with all of our children.

Happiness

2009-05-07T09:12:00.002-04:00

I saw a bumper sticker last week.. I bet the person with it on their car didn't realize that it would actually stay with someone for a week, huh? I just felt kind of inspired by it.. I've been thinking about it every day!

"Happiness is an inside job"

that's it.. and I just think it's so true, we all have control over our emotions (at least to some extent, right?)

So, a couple weeks ago we started searching for Dresden's apple tree(s) - I'm realizing now, what a toll that has been putting on my emotions! Shaun too, I think.. we've both been kind of cranky and I feel like that was part of it. I guess it's not easy shopping for your childs 'living memorial'.. there is a lot of pressure that it be perfect, and actually LIVE.. no one wants a dead tree to honor their baby! So, we finally decided on 2 trees yesterday. A honeycrisp tree, which we knew we wanted, since those were the apples we snacked on at the orchard on our last wonderful happy day of innocent life (3 days before he was born)! We wanted an apple that would be out around his birthday.. then we needed a pollinator. We don't have a favorite apple really, we love most so we were looking for a gala tree, since we knew it would pollinate with a honeycrisp - while at home depot yesterday, we found a 5 in 1 tree.. a little bit Frankenstein creepy, but it had 5 kinds of apples and looked pretty, so we got it! It would be a dream if the two trees produced enough apples so that every year on Dresden's birthday, we can make apple pie! :)